A distressed girlfriend has discovered that even when her boyfriend pierces his ear and puts in a slutty little hoop, he does not resemble Hamnet heartthrob Paul Mescal.

After returning from the cinema desperately horny, and of course moved by a touching mediation on bereavement and grief and shit, 28-year-old Charlotte Phelps launched into the limited makeover programme over partner James Bates’s objections.

She said: “He doesn’t know what’s good for him. I know what’s good for him, and it’s why he was booked in at Claire’s Accessories.

“However, not only did he cry more than the 11-year-olds getting Hello Kitty studs put in, he looked like shit. The hoop didn’t distract from the receding hairline or the gut. Nor did he write me any sonnets to my fair flesh, instead going on the PS5.

“Now it’s gone a bit red and infected but he won’t go to the GP because he says I made him pierce ‘the gay ear’ and he ‘can’t been seen in public’. I’ve assured him no gay men will find him attractive. Or women.”

Bates said: “It f**king kills. Oh, is it this Mescal bloke I’m meant to look like now? He’s a bit short.

“Last year I had to grow my hair out so I’d look like Timothée Chalamet as Bob Dylan. But do you see me asking her to get Sydney Sweeney’s tits?”