In a spirited and surprisingly energetic speech this morning, Donald Trump Jr has put forward a plan to extend US military operations in South America to take over the production of whatever Colombia’s main export happens to be.

“They’ve got resources. Tremendous resources,” Trump Jr said, sniffing loudly for unrelated reasons. “And frankly, it would be irresponsible not to take a closer look. For democracy.”

According to sources, Trump Jr became interested in Colombia after discovering it produces coffee, fresh flowers, and “other exports I can’t quite remember right now but I know they’re very important to me personally”.

He said America needed to ensure it had access to the manufacture of high-quality foreign products. “If those products happen to make you feel extremely confident for three hours, that’s just a bonus,” he said.

Foreign policy experts have expressed concern that Trump Jr may be oversimplifying international relations, but supporters say that’s exactly what makes him qualified. “He’s not bogged down by details. He just knows what he wants and follows his nose,” one MAGA fan said.

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Headline by Anthony Bell