BLESS him for trying, but cunnilingus can drag on with no end in sight. Here is what’s running through a woman’s mind when the dreaded erotic situation occurs.

‘Oh no’

The descent with a look of smug satisfaction could trigger thoughts of reciprocation and tales for brunch with the girls. Such a selfless act, right?

‘That ceiling needs repainting’

Despite the intimacy, you might as well be watching TV in another room as you notice a few damp spots and think a makeover is in order.

‘Is he okay?’

Worrying about his breathing, taste, and whether it’s okay to chat or pass notes, the silence is almost deafening.

‘Is that the right place?’

With misplaced efforts, you feel like you're on The Crystal Maze trying to direct a contestant. Richard O’Brien’s bald head is not exactly the climax inspiration.

‘Should I be making more noise?’

Wondering if more enthusiasm is required, you accidentally lock eyes like on a bus, adding to the awkwardness.

‘How can I break this off?’

It’s taking forever, and he’s ambitiously aiming for the big O. Fake it or offer a motherly 'That was lovely, dear'.

‘Is that a wart growing on my hand?’

As your mind wanders, you inspect your hand, wondering about warts or wrinkles, hoping distraction might bring unexpected pleasure.

‘How long’s it been?’

Time seems to drag like at the dentist, and you can only guess at the minutes ticking by.