Want to barely scrape last place at Eurovision year after year with entries that genuinely make you ashamed? Learn from the country that has perfected the art:

Choose an abysmal song

The key to winning Eurovision is, surprisingly, entering a song that is fun to listen to. The UK, however, has mastered the opposite: tunes that are universally despised. Uniting Europe through mutual dislike is no small feat.

Refuse to be sexy

While Europe loves a bit of glittery nudity, the UK sticks to its guns with more 'integrity.' Sure, it’s embarrassing, but who knows? Maybe being unappreciated will pay off in a century or two.

Be a geopolitical pariah

Voting is all about historical grudges. With centuries of conflicts, the UK naturally excels in this area. Just look at Ireland's success with its peaceful history. Remember, being the exception like Israel is rare.

Never learn from your mistakes

After consistent failures, you might think it's time to change tactics. Wrong! Persistence in poor performance is key. It’s now a cherished Eurovision tradition.

Enter an even worse song

In Eurovision, anything can happen. If Europe starts loving the UK’s awfulness, it’s time to dig deeper into the well of dreadful tunes. Next year, expect Tommy Robinson singing football chants with forgotten lyrics. Can’t wait!