WISH you looked as laughably idiotic as the celebrities attending the Met Gala? Create an appropriate wardrobe on a budget with our guide:

Get dressed sans lighting

High fashion is often plainly ludicrous but you don’t have to be Anna Wintour to achieve similar results. Instead, break into a local charity shop and, while the lights are out and the burglar alarm blaring, throw on every item you stumble into. The child’s tent you wear as a skirt may not be suitable for the office but will be a wow on the red carpet.

Experiment with household materials

Traditional textiles can only get you so far. If you really want to look as glamorous as Doja Cat, start sporting a chic Bacofoil crop top or an opulent train fashioned from a shower curtain you used to protect furniture when decorating. With imagination, even the recycling bin is a treasure trove of jewellery and you’re ‘making a statement about the environment’.

Mix-and-match Halloween costumes

The formalwear of a vampire, teamed with the rags of the living dead? The chains of an executioner mixed with the jerkin of Shrek? The mask of a werewolf over the lilac of some f**king character your kid wanted to be from Fortnite? It’s jarring, it’s powerful, it’s pure fashion and Colman Domingo would be jealous.

Shop at TK Maxx

Looking for comically unusual clothes that nobody with even a tenuous grasp on sanity would consider? Cut out the couturier and shop at TK Maxx instead. Nothing will fit, nothing will match, no shoes will be paired, but it’ll be worth it when you eventually find that statement hi-vis Hazmat suit with matching zippered trilby.

Wear your normal clothing

Sneering at the stars? Look in a mirror. Your sauce-stained cargo shorts and last season’s Crocs would be so outlandish at fashion’s top event they’d be astonishing. If the theme is Costume Art, then you’ve come as the groundbreaking work ‘My Bed’ by Tracey Emin. Empty Smirnoff bottles? Model’s own.