Are you desperate for attention on the internet? Thousands of people are constantly posting things that never happened, so here’s how to make sure your dubious tale gets likes.

Be clear about how you want to appear: Are you setting out to modestly portray how hot you are? How decent and kind? What superb parenting skills you have? A checklist will help you add to the rapidly growing ocean of fake content on the internet effectively. If people didn’t like it, you reason, there wouldn’t be so much of it.

Use a child: If you’re childless, make one up. Kids who say implausibly perceptive things prove what a great parent you are, or just use them as a mouthpiece for opinions you think will be popular. Thus ‘your’ child might say: ‘Mummy, unless we abolish single-use plastics and implement universal basic income, we’ll never achieve a genuine environmentally sustainable meritocracy.’

Make it shocking: Would you believe it? A man on the street told you that you have a ‘fantastic arse in jeans’ and also that ‘no one would ever guess you’re 47’! Don’t worry about anyone in comments asking how he knew your age; they won’t question anything that reinforces their opinions.

Exploit a homeless person: There are plenty about now, but the homeless are great for telling you pearls of wisdom that only a sensitive, non-judgemental person like you took the time to listen to.

Include a celebrity: One for expert liars, but still doable. You once bumped into Nick Cave at a party, and he said you were the most f**kable woman he’d ever met, you’ve decided.

Remember, you’re posting on social media, so be careful what a celebrity did or said. You don’t want a real encounter with Nick Cave, as he takes a few seconds out of his busy celebrity lifestyle to angrily tweet a threat of legal action.