UNQUALIFIED FBI head Kash Patel is facing allegations of alcoholism and incompetence caused by his girlfriend being objectively more attractive than he is. Here’s how he clings on: 

Try not to be constantly amazed by your good fortune

Tough for me, as I resemble a surprised Fraggle, but lessen the power imbalance in your relationship by playing it cool. It’s just practice. These days when I wake up next to Alexis I hardly ever shout, ‘WOOO-HOO! I scored a TEN!’

Try to impress them

Chances are you don’t have access to an FBI jet, having not put in the necessary groundwork of being a crazed right-wing podcaster, but there are always fashionable restaurants, luxury holidays, $30,000 necklaces. It’s stressful knowing you could be dumped tomorrow, but luckily my girlfriend is dumb so hopefully won’t realise.

Maintain a light-poor environment

Everyone looks better under dimmed lighting, but obviously I have to go further. I’ve removed all the bulbs for security reasons and allow us only a single candle. It’s kept my relationship healthy but my shins are f**ked.

Keep her away from attractive men

Getting armed FBI agents to ‘protect’ Alexis whenever she’s out with friends is a good way to ward off rival penises. But it’s just as easy to schedule nights in doing activities suitable for two people. How can she be tempted by other men when she’s learning the rules and lore of Warhammer? She can’t.

Screen attractiveness gap movies

Films are the uggo’s friend, with countless stories about seeing beyond mere appearances: Beauty and the Beast, Shrek, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Roxanne. She is beginning to wonder why we’ve seen The Shape of Water 15 times but I want to keep the psychological pressure on. Shame she can’t go blind, like in Mask.

Be rich and famous

Sadly wealth and fame, even my unearned kind, are the key way for runts like me to hang onto a beauty. Will Alexis still love me when Donald throws me under the bus for not miraculously making the Epstein Files disappear? No. No, she won’t. Still, at least I can retreat into the comfort of alcoholism full-time.