As the world's stern father figure, the US has ruled that since Iran will not stop its bickering and open the Strait of Hormuz, nobody can have any oil. In a classic dad move, America has decided it's had enough of the 'bloody squabbling' and declared that oil is off the table for everyone.

A spokesperson for the US explained, "If you can't share the oil nicely, then no one gets any. That'll teach you for fighting. I don't care if you 'need it' or 'the global economy will collapse'. You should have thought of that before starting a ruckus while I was trying to enjoy The Repair Shop."

The spokesperson added, "No oil, and that's final. You'll have to find another way to power your countries. And don't even think about solar or offshore wind; I've warned you about those. They're dangerous. Don't ask why."

An OPEC representative commented, "He's incapable of admitting he's wrong. We'll just start exporting oil anyway, and he'll pretend not to notice."