FOOTBALL Focus has been cancelled after assailing ordinary, decent football fans with a hellish storm of BBC wokeness. These items meant it had to die:

‘Was Robbie Savage’s ponytail cultural appropriation?’

Robbie Savage, a midfielder for Leicester City in the dark ages before the dawn of woke, had a ponytail even though he was not indigenous, except to Wales. Was he wearing Native American culture as a costume, teamed with a Walker’s Crisps logo, and was his surname racist? Yes on both counts. Cancelled, 2000 League Cup medal confiscated.

‘Does the carbon footprint of penalty shootouts make them unsustainable?’

Penalty shootouts extend a match by up to ten minutes, meaning floodlights and televisions are on for longer and the planet ten minutes closer to extinction. They’re also stressful and for millennials, that’s trauma. They should be replaced by trawling through both teams’ social media to see who has given the most support to the marginalised.

‘Should the 1966 World Cup final be restaged?’

England vs West Germany was a hideously white final. To ensure racial equity, Football Focus restaged it between two teams not built on colonial wealth and Nazism. The resulting game between North Korea and Chile ended with the former worthy winners and Pak Zeung-zin the hero to British schoolboys he always deserved to be.

‘Can we create queer justice by forcibly outing players?’

One-quarter of people are queer, according to academic metrics, but none of the Premier League are. Is it not time to start forcing them? A quota system in which one in four players is forced to live an LGBTQ+ lifestyle instead of joylessly ‘shagging models’ or ‘having four children with their childhood sweetheart’ would make football, and Britain, a better place.

‘Rewilding pitches: is there a downside?’

Trimmed grass is a green desert for wildlife. Let it grow to waist height and it provides vital nectar for pollinators and lets fans see Pep Guardiola’s remarkable patterns of play etched out on the pitch. What could be more beautiful than, midway through a counterattack, Erling Haaland halting to observe a purple emperor butterfly deriving salt from carrion?

‘Why are we covering football anyway?’

Just last week Football Focus turned the cameras on itself and asked why football matters, when inequitable capitalism is laying waste to the world? Before switching to coverage of a contemporary dance performance offering a searing critique of whiteness which reduced viewers to tears. They cancelled Football Focus because it was dangerous.