THE Eurovision Song Contest is a safe space away from any political leanings, which is why Ukraine beat Sam Ryder in 2022. How will you keep it that way? 

Carrie Ryan, eyebrow threader: “By abandoning nationalism, letting all flags and ethnicities fade into the background and treating every act as the same old spangly shit.”

Julian Cook, poet: “My wife and I each draw a nationality from a hat and support them fervently, culminating in a drunken fistfight then making wild, passionate love in front of the television as the Norwegians say ‘nul points’. All five children have February birthdays.”

Norman Steele, sluice installer: “Oh, it’s entirely political. We vote depending on which European country has most pleased us the previous year on holiday. And they f**king know it.”

Hannah Tomlinson, member for Stevenage: “By backing Wes Streeting because he’s the right choice for Britain and also performing Küpsetatud Sink Tantsib for Estonia tonight.”

Will McKay, flying instructor: “By not being able to watch the bastard. I’m Irish.”