POPULAR T-shirt manufacturer NASA is racing China to land a manned flight on the lunar surface. What do they expect to find there?

Nathan Muir, tree surgeon: “A lost race of beautiful cat-women in desperate need of a man’s seed to propagate their race who’ll kidnap an astronaut and make love to him in shifts. That’s the only reason you’d get me up there.”

Lucy Parry, vicar’s mate: “The ideal location for a Trump Tower Resort and Casino?”

Helen Archer, sociologist: “If it’s grey rocks, they’re well f**king in.”

Dr Denys Finch Hatton, astrophysicist: “A reason for going to the moon. We couldn’t find one in the 1970s, but technology’s come so much further.”

Susan Traherne, private tutor: “Vials of moondust to be pressed into the 180gsm vinyl of an upcoming 55th-anniversary Pink Floyd Collector’s Edition box set, priced at £259.95.”

Bill McKay, digital fingerprinter: “A dead Clanger. For our King.”