As the heatwave blazes on, discussing anything other than the weather is practically a social faux pas. Here's how to keep conversations on the 'hot' topic:

Spot the symptoms: If you hear words like 'Asda' or 'Mandalorian', it's time to redirect with a quick 'Bloody hot, isn’t it?'

Deploy clichés: Use inane phrases like ‘Too hot for me!’ and ‘It’s like an oven’. Avoid literal oven discussions, just nod along.

Water obsession: Act like dehydration is imminent without a water bottle, prompting others with ‘Have you got some water?’ even if they're just heading to the bin.

Quote scary temperatures: Most Brits are hazy on temperatures beyond 0 and 100°C, so feel free to make up dramatic stats like ‘It’s 93° in Bournemouth!’

Don’t prevent sunburn: Sunburn guarantees days of on-topic chat as everyone laments their lack of SPF 50. Encourage sun exposure with lines like ‘Who fancies another round?’

Stop conversational relapses: If someone strays from the weather, throw out something like ‘They’ve closed Heathrow because planes are melting!’

Take media cues: The news is your ally. Whether it’s Guardian hysteria or BBC non-stories like ‘James and Donna plan to spend the afternoon in the garden’, keep the chatter sizzling.