Aries, March 21st–April 19th

I refuse to join any gym that would have me as a member.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

“Well, I guess you can’t spell Leonardo DiCaprio without OD,” quips the LAPD detective, covering the corpse.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

You know what I fancy? A long and expensive, no, financially ruinous, court case. Yeah, that would really hit the spot right about now.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

‘Every man dies two deaths,’ said Ernest Hemingway, ‘and this is also true of Neighbours.’

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

‘Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor’ has the same number of syllables as ‘Norman Stanley Fletcher’. A gift for judges seeking a laugh during sentencing.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

I can well believe all these terrible things I’m hearing about Ant, he always had the look of a proper bastard. Or do I mean Dec?

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

The hardest part of being a beekeeper is coming up with names for them all.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Backlash? Yeah, sounds like you got a defective lash there.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Did you know the Great Wall of China was meant to only be up for a year to celebrate the 75th anniversary of the Ming dynasty? But it was so popular they kept it.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Is it in his eyes? Oh no, you’ll be deceived. Is it in his eyes? Oh no, he’ll make believe. If you want to know if he’s high as f**k, it’s in his piss.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And whoever slipped this Euro in with my loose change is really gonna get it.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

You can take a horse to water but you can’t make it surf.