Aries, March 21st–April 19th

People love it when someone wears a fridge while running a marathon. So why not try it in a job interview?

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

“Father, I have sinned, for I find myself breaking the tenth commandment on an hourly basis. You see, I live next door to Kim Kardashian.”

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

If politicians weren’t always in suits they’d be much more relatable. Keir Starmer fighting for his political life in a Hoodrich cap would elicit real sympathy.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

It’s disgusting what they’ve left out of this Michael Jackson movie. That heartfelt ballad about his pet rat the Army killed with flamethrowers was his first US number one.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Must be a nightmare being Lionel Ritchie. Every time someone starts a conversation with you, you think they’re taking the piss.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

“Go off and play your saxophone in silhouette on the rooftop, Darla. This is mummy’s special time.”

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

She broke the glass ceiling. F**king bitch, it took us weeks to put that thing in and now there are shards everywhere.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

I’m so excited! And I just can’t hide it! Even if I tuck it into my waistband!

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Woah, okay, I thought architects just did arches. I’m out.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

The male character in Heart’s All I Want To Do Is Make Love To You has his own moving power ballad telling his side of the story, called All I Wanted Was A Ride Home.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

“Depressing? It was as depressing as a coffee from a hospital waiting room vending machine.”

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

You are now arriving at Birmingham New Street Station. Scary just to hear it, isn’t it?