Aries, March 21st–April 19th: Simon’s a normal name, but who would call their son Garfunkel?

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th: Early 90s tracks changed lyrics to be Raving I’m Raving, but no-one’s doing the same today for vaping. Come on, there’s a youth market.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st: When a man loves a woman, he’ll pretty much act normally to be honest.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd: As the beast climaxed, it let out what I can only describe as a Duolingo howl.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd: Pretty hypocritical of the British Museum to prosecute you for stealing items from the gift shop.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd: Of course, some of these prostitute phone box cards of the 1970s and 80s are now highly collectible.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd: We’re all vaccinated now, yet no one is taking advantage of the situation to safely eat bats. Never mind banging a pangolin.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd: “My job? I’m a perch handler. Wasn’t that obvious from my picture on Hinge?”

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st: We’re always hearing of Tyson Fury but rarely his other emotional states Tyson Melancholy, Tyson Introspective and Tyson Horny.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th: It’s okay to watch MAFS Australia though, right? There haven’t been any specific allegations about that yet?

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th: “Mate, if you didn’t want half a pint, bisected vertically, containing a floating conker out of which a battalion of soldiers is marching you shouldn’t have come in a Surreal Ale pub.”

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th: Another football season draws to a close without revealing who ate all the pies.